thank you...

thank you to all the readers who commented, wrote me a private note, a phone call, or just gave me an understanding glance at some sporting event this weekend :)  you all are my inspiration for sharing!  i really feel a wonderful sense of control by writing these feelings, thoughts, frustration, and encouragements down.  thank you for sharing in this journey with me simply by reading :)

this week was amazed at how things are falling into place for timing and, i pray, results!  i am blessed by all of it!!  let me fill you in...
the ob/gyn who discounted the things i was noticing asked me to go for an ultrasound to get a starting point for the cysts that he did find upon exam, in my breasts.  due to insurance i had to move the december appointment into january.  it was scheduled for this past wednesday.  as i spent the past 2 months working on trying to understand what i saw going on with my body i felt more and more sure it did not begin with my breasts.  we have to pay out of pocket for most procedures with our "health ins." (one of the cons of working for a small business, but there are so many pros, we are blessed).  before the picture began to come into focus i felt this was a great place to start, i began to feel un-easy about the ultrasound.  i began to feel it may waste time for understanding what is really going on and also a waste of money for my family.  after talking with my husband we both felt at ease with postponing the ultrasound indefinitely and simply going back to the nurse practitioner at the primary's office.  i called tuesday at 2:30, got in to see her at 4:45 that same day!  i know, i almost couldn't accept the appointment because my mind didn't catch up to that efficiency ;)  i made it work!  the Lord also had pre-arranged for a coffee date that turned into a dear friend watching my kids play as i went on this important visit alone!  then the blood work was ordered...should be done a certain day of my cycle, we were only off by 36 hours (thanks to a snow storm)!!  another piece of this week happened at CBS (community bible study) in my small group i had an opportunity to ask these sweet woman of the Lord for prayer!  so many of them understood, having been there themselves, with a special understanding of the prematurity in my case :)
while i do see all these amazing pieces being worked together this week, i will admit that i have also had some VERY hard moments in my mind!  i am thankful even in this (swallow hard!).  how?  well, it has always seemed to folks that we were crazy to be young parents...looking into the face of possible infertility makes these kids of ours a gift that we could never understand until this day!  yes, the hurt is there, yes it's still hard, yes it could get harder once we have some more answers, yes, i am still thankful! 
there are other thoughts that plague me, feeling old before my time, feeling like a burden on my family, being an old burden to my husband...but i am thankful, why?  because i have friends who are praying for me, because i have been blessed with friends who can tell me to stop over thinking and wait!  wait for answers, wait for medical support, and wait on God's plan in all of this!
i understand this is the beginning of this journey and i am so very thankful that i am not alone in it!  i am even more thankful that i am not the one in charge of the timing of my life!  looking back over the 20 years of my reproductive life (20 years this jan.) i am amazed!!